What I want today

Today I'm swimming with the current...something different for me. It seems like I try to plan my path each day and am usually met head on with interruptions, tangents & chaos. Today, I'm doing what I can. I've read,"...not to resist things because the resistance is attractive to the opposition." But I also find that when I'm letting my guard down that is when my life is full annoying, painful, tiring opposition. Weird, huh!

I was suppose to partake in this wonderful Mother/Daughter weekend get away that turned into, everyone bring a friend. Well with only 3 days notice that things were changing...who was I to ask? No one. Talk about stepping out of my comfort zone. I don't remember the last time I drove more than 15 minutes alone or spent the night by myself. So as I felt the fear and moved through it, I got excited. Real true me time, a motel room all to myself!!!

Oh cont rare! How my excitement was smashed as my sister's friend backs out on her & I have to share a room with her. Bummer. See I let my guard down and what did I get in return? Delayed information that was hurtful. And needless to say I put up my walls and didn't want anyone treading on them! And now in my space...a zombie. She forgot her meds & I got to room with a DT'ing regressing girl that had her defense even higher than mine. NOT COMFORTABLE or my idea of me time!

But as I went through the weekend, I did things that I wanted to do and nothing less or more. I ate where I wanted, shopped where I pleased and I let the uncomfortable energy roll off my shoulders, unlike how I usually absorb it.

And not today, today I will throw caution to the wind and do as I please. No bummers to follow or deal with. Just a day of what I want!

So I've been browsing blogs finding ones that really interest me. And I've found quite a few...hoping to find more. In a world so disconnected it seems more and more are looking for ways to connect. To find the real truth. I love this, cause this is what I'm looking for also.

I have people who look in on my life and think, "Wow she's got it all." and I find myself SCREAMING inside wanting to say to them,"Really!?!" I don't know if this is human nature or what...I'm not interested in the material of the world but want the connection of the world. Something that is so hard. Have you ever felt like you know someone better than you know yourself but then the next day you realize...you really don't know much at all. I feel like that alot. And I think this is something I am trying to accomplish in this blog, trying to figure myself out, trying to figure family out, trying to figure our world out & this life.

So much to learn and explore. And I've really been having to dig deep. But I look for this inspiration and hope it keeps me moving forward. Thank you to all those who open up to us complete strangers, make us apart of you life and help some of us to seek that honesty within our own little worlds!!

Easter, a Holiday with Family

Do you ever have a family event that seems to be going perfectly until...oops, someone lets the cat out of the bag? Says the wrong thing or is just braizen & rude? Those are the only kind of Holidays I ever attend. The last couple years I have come to realize and accept how dsyfunctional my family is until it is brought to a different level of agony.

I've told you a bit of my history, how my parents are divorced (have been for nearly 2 decades) and how my mom struggled. Well, after all these years, she still hasn't dealt with it. The guilt, shame & hurt are still part of her everyday life. Which to me is ridiculous. She has a wonderful man in her life that is there through thick & thin...why hold on to those negative feelings?

I am pretty sure I'm over Holidays. I'm ready to focus on my little family & withdraw from the roller coaster ride. I know what I want to do different with my children & I want them to feel safe, secure & unconditional love. I hate that this many years down the road these quarrels arise & she throws a pity party & I'm left trying to figure out what the hell just happened!?!

Happy Easter...we'll see how the rest of the year's Holidays go!!