Husband, Sister, Family, Somebody Help Me!!!

Have you ever sat back and wondered how you got here? To the very present you are? Growing up I always envisioned something so very different than what I live now. And to be where I wanted to be is a road that isn't even an option because of the sacrafice it would put on my family. And I'm not the type of person to ask anyone to sacrafice for me...or I use to be that type of person I should say.

See I've been noticing how unhappy I am in my day to day life. The stress is overwhelming and I'm causing unmeasurable amounts of damage to my heart and soul. I want to be out in the public with adults and people. I want the interaction, even if it is minimal. I want a purpose that I get noticed for. But I don't want to leave my kids with strangers and miss out on what is yet to come with them. I don't want to not meet up to the expectations everyone else has for me to be this house wife. I don't want to let anyone else down but yet I damage myself in the mix of it all.

I've been asking my husband to help out, so I can get a break and regroup. His helping out consist of sitting in the chair while the kids tear the house apart and dishes pile up. How is he making this any better? I talk until my face is blue and I get no where. His apathy is to much and I feel this spiral around me just sucking me deeper into this hole I'm never going to get out of.

I'm at my wits end for everything. I can feel myself starting to not care about anything. And I hate it. I want a family who really is atuned to each other not just passing each other in life. I can't make this happen by myself and yet no one cares to reach out.

Opposition Tsunami

Well fuck. Right now the overwhelming feeling of apathy and disrespect are breaking out our windows like a Tsunami. I hate it. I'm one person in a house full, and the only feelings I can control are mine. That sucks big time! My husband is so concerned over laundry that he doesn't care about the amazing meal I cooked (all homemade, nothing from a box!), totally consumed with his new boat, and doesn't give a shit that our children are mouthy little brats.

Speaking of the mouthy little brats, whom I do love dearly and would lay down my life for, hate helping around the house...even though most of the mess is theirs. Don't eat any sort of meat unless it is processed (which really isn't even meat then is it!?!). And think Sponge Bob is a good role model, even though I forbid watching him in our house. Thank you Dad & Grandma for breaking this rule every time I'm out of the house!!

Excuse me for venting, I truly hate to sound like a whiner. I get to stay at home, which my daughter has told me IS NOT a job. I get limited outside interaction with real adults. And think daily about running away. Although who can I tell without them thinking I'm crazy because outside looking in I'm sure it looks like the happy little family. Well fuck.

And excuse my language, I don't usually drop the f-bomb...but I'm bursting at the seams. Literally. I hate that I'm trying to make a change for the better for all of us and I meet nothing but opposition. And to anyone who says staying at home is not a job and is a piece of cake, as Daffy Duck would say, "WAKE UP YOU'RE DREAMING!"

The sticks on this camel's back are just piling up. One of these days my back might just break!
I apologize for the rambling and back and forth but as I said before this is just venting, so of course it's not going to make sense, but I do feel so much better!!

Sick & Tired of being Fat & Tired

So some might read the title and think, "Well do something about it!" And that's what I've been trying to do for the last year and a half. I want to share my story with you...

See I haven't always been fat or obese or even morbidly obese a majoriety of my life. Just the last 7 years. Of course I did the freshman 15 which was actually 25 extra pounds. I was horrified after I dropped out and moved back home. I got 10 of the pounds off in between my at the time hobby of partying like a Rock Star! Was pretty happy to see the weight come off and I wasn't even into my 20's yet. Then I fell in love, got pregnant, had a baby, my life that I knew had been flipped upside down. It was in a way that I never could of imagined. My self absorbed-self disappeared.

All the while I'm trying to live up to the responsibilty that I had taken on by choosing to bring this amazing child into the world. I was loosing myself. See I LOVED my baby and my boyfriend(now my husband). I wanted to provide the most nuturing enviroment I could...but I was forgetting to take care of myself during this time of glorious joy. And I truly mean that. I love being a mommy to this day. And I love being a wife also. But after several years of not taking care of myself, I've forgotten what it takes. Don't shop much for myself...hand me downs only please! Make up only when public appearences or company is on it's way. Even now I try to make sure the kids get the fresh fruit instead of taking my share.

I've been working hard to reverse this haywire programming I've grown into. I read a shit ton of self help/improvement books. Research what's actually healthy to eat and the level of activity to maintain. I've got a gym membership, met with a dietician, journal my days food & activity...and the list goes on and on.

But my biggest struggle is to get myself put back in that number one spot. Slowly my changes are sinking in...just not as fast as society would accept though. And I can't make the public the first enemy cause it's actually me. All me. My own war...cause the battle I've already won.

I've realized I'm not healthy. I know it's not fair to me or my family. And there is so much to live for and accomplish in this life. I'm not for sure the exact direction I'm headed in but I'm on my way. And that's what counts.

What I want today

Today I'm swimming with the current...something different for me. It seems like I try to plan my path each day and am usually met head on with interruptions, tangents & chaos. Today, I'm doing what I can. I've read,"...not to resist things because the resistance is attractive to the opposition." But I also find that when I'm letting my guard down that is when my life is full annoying, painful, tiring opposition. Weird, huh!

I was suppose to partake in this wonderful Mother/Daughter weekend get away that turned into, everyone bring a friend. Well with only 3 days notice that things were changing...who was I to ask? No one. Talk about stepping out of my comfort zone. I don't remember the last time I drove more than 15 minutes alone or spent the night by myself. So as I felt the fear and moved through it, I got excited. Real true me time, a motel room all to myself!!!

Oh cont rare! How my excitement was smashed as my sister's friend backs out on her & I have to share a room with her. Bummer. See I let my guard down and what did I get in return? Delayed information that was hurtful. And needless to say I put up my walls and didn't want anyone treading on them! And now in my space...a zombie. She forgot her meds & I got to room with a DT'ing regressing girl that had her defense even higher than mine. NOT COMFORTABLE or my idea of me time!

But as I went through the weekend, I did things that I wanted to do and nothing less or more. I ate where I wanted, shopped where I pleased and I let the uncomfortable energy roll off my shoulders, unlike how I usually absorb it.

And not today, today I will throw caution to the wind and do as I please. No bummers to follow or deal with. Just a day of what I want!

So I've been browsing blogs finding ones that really interest me. And I've found quite a few...hoping to find more. In a world so disconnected it seems more and more are looking for ways to connect. To find the real truth. I love this, cause this is what I'm looking for also.

I have people who look in on my life and think, "Wow she's got it all." and I find myself SCREAMING inside wanting to say to them,"Really!?!" I don't know if this is human nature or what...I'm not interested in the material of the world but want the connection of the world. Something that is so hard. Have you ever felt like you know someone better than you know yourself but then the next day you realize...you really don't know much at all. I feel like that alot. And I think this is something I am trying to accomplish in this blog, trying to figure myself out, trying to figure family out, trying to figure our world out & this life.

So much to learn and explore. And I've really been having to dig deep. But I look for this inspiration and hope it keeps me moving forward. Thank you to all those who open up to us complete strangers, make us apart of you life and help some of us to seek that honesty within our own little worlds!!

Easter, a Holiday with Family

Do you ever have a family event that seems to be going perfectly until...oops, someone lets the cat out of the bag? Says the wrong thing or is just braizen & rude? Those are the only kind of Holidays I ever attend. The last couple years I have come to realize and accept how dsyfunctional my family is until it is brought to a different level of agony.

I've told you a bit of my history, how my parents are divorced (have been for nearly 2 decades) and how my mom struggled. Well, after all these years, she still hasn't dealt with it. The guilt, shame & hurt are still part of her everyday life. Which to me is ridiculous. She has a wonderful man in her life that is there through thick & thin...why hold on to those negative feelings?

I am pretty sure I'm over Holidays. I'm ready to focus on my little family & withdraw from the roller coaster ride. I know what I want to do different with my children & I want them to feel safe, secure & unconditional love. I hate that this many years down the road these quarrels arise & she throws a pity party & I'm left trying to figure out what the hell just happened!?!

Happy Easter...we'll see how the rest of the year's Holidays go!!

But he's not his dad...

With Mother's day fast approaching I sit here and think of all the amazing sacrifices that my own mother made for me throughout life. She was a single mother with 2 young children as so many women today. She worked the dreadful 12 hour night shifts just to provide food & clothing. No assistance & very little child support to go from month to month on...and girls are not cheap! In our eye's she was our hero for the work she did. Not that it makes life peachy keen, cause we definitely had our extremely difficult times getting along and making things work. Still a work in progress. But she was our constant, the one that'd be there in a heart beat...nothing else really more important than our well being.

My dad wasn't a total dead beat. He did pay the child support when it was mandatory & did take us occasionally. But not the quantity children require. I don't hold it against him cause we all have our battles & our time that we reflect and wonder if we lived our life the way we were suppose to. That will have to his question.

So I'm looking back at how my own life has had it's ups & downs with parents and begin to think how will the life my generation has lived effect my children's generation...

I worry how my honorary son will grow up and truly feel. See his Dad never wanted him from the beginning and SHAME ON HIM!!! I spend hours upon hours with him every month and ponder in sheer rage how his own father could not want this spectacular little man! And we can all say well he's the one missing out. Yes, that's easy to say he wasn't there for the first diaper, first steps, first words, first day of school, the first time he saw a train in amazement or the first time he saw a turtle or anything at that. But it's not just him missing out. My honorary son is missing that connection. Missing someone that is his, and all his. He is blessed to have many father figures in his life, all with a special relationship but they are not his dad. And because of the way he decided to go about things and go on not being in the pictures his Mom has had to pick up the slack...she does amazing but still it's a huge responsibility for one person. So the slack she misses I try to pick up or other family does. It's insane how much one persons decision will affect the lives of others! We are blessed to have him in our lives, that I'd never change! But the celebration always seems to have this overcast of mourning cause of a missed connection that is supplemented by another loved one. Sure it fills our heart but the pain that will one day have to be addressed...makes me wonder if it will be worth it for any of the parties involved...and this will be our question when reflection begins.

Give a Mom who rocks the house a pat on the back and let her know what a good job she is doing! And next time you see a dead beat dad...kick him in the shin, that's only a fraction of the pain he's inflicted on others!

Remember May 9, 2010!! Mother's make the world go around!!